Previous Heavenly Humors The Children of Israel Mr. Goldblatt," asked little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out." "What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "An' the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er--right." "An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "An' the Children of
Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the
Romans, "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?" The Christian Barber
There was a barber that thought that
he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been
doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the
barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to
the first man that walks through my door."
Building Fund There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." Join the Army of the Lord A friend was in
front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my
friend by the hand and pulled him aside. A Sermon About Lying
A minister told his congregation,
"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you
understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." Faithful With Much
At a Wednesday evening church meeting
a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. Show and Tell A kindergarten
teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing
something to represent their religion. A Sure Cure
Three Pastors in the south were having
lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been
having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried
everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Money Goes To Church A well-worn one
dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at
a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the
conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. You Never Hear in Church • Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew! Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and asked God for help. A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal time. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." "And does He hear everything we say the rest of the time?" "Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which does God believe?" Dad's Sermon A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" Restless A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, This Island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die! The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, No we're not. I make over $100,000 a week. The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die! The other man, unruffled, again responded. No, I make over $100,000 a week. Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food. There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die. Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, don't make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10%!! My pastor WILL find us!.
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
Things You Never Hear In Church • Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew. • I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime. • Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf. • I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists. • I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class. • Forget the denominational minimum salary; let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do. • I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before. • Since we're all here, let's start the service early. A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited—and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be ~at least~ 193 years old!" It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decides to write a book about churches
around the country. He starts by flying to San Francisco and working east
from there. He goes to a very large church and begins taking pictures, etc.
He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which
reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asks about the phone
and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a
direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. A frontier preacher had just finished preaching a fine gospel meeting for a poor church. They had no money to pay him, so an elder of the church offered him his horse as payment. The visiting preacher accepted his kindness. The elder said, "Now this is a very unique horse. He has been specially trained to go forward when you say 'Praise the Lord' and stop when you say 'Amen'. The preacher thanked him, said goodbye, and hopped on the horse. The preacher said "Praise the Lord," and the horse started forward. "Praise the Lord," said the preacher, and the horse started going faster. "Praise the Lord," he said again, to which the horse broke into a full run. All was fine until the preacher noticed a deep canyon straight ahead. He was headed right towards the cliff. "Oh, no, what was the word to get him to stop? I can't remember! What was it? What was it?" The obedient horse continued racing towards the cliff, the preacher new only to say a short prayer. "Please Lord make this horse stop. Amen!" The horse screeched to a stop, just inches from the edge of the cliff and certain death. Sweating but relieved, the preacher took a deep breath and said thankfully, "Praise the Lord!" The Perfect Golf Game One Sunday morning a minister was preparing for his message, but his eyes kept being drawn to the window where he could see the sun shining brightly outside. He started thinking, "What a great day to play golf!" He called the elder that was in charge of the worship service and told him that he was not feeling well, and would not be able to preach that morning. When he got to the golf course, he began playing and proceeded to get one hole-in-one after another ending with a perfect game. When he finished the angel Gabriel asked the Lord why he had helped the minister get a perfect game when he should have been at church. The Lord replied, "Who's he going to tell?" Judgment Day On the day of judgment there was a long, long line waiting to approach the throne. Suddenly, a big cheer went up from the front of the line. Someone came running from the front of the line, and the people at the back asked him, "What's going on? What is all the cheering about?" "They're not counting Wednesday night! They're not counting Wednesday night!", came the excited reply.
Where's God? Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal. As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!" The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say. The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is." The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too." St. Peter and the Rich Man Determined to "take it with him"
when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he
could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with
gold bullion. A Prayer For The Day Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. Thank you! A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. He looked at the map, then walked across the bridge. The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" A small child walked daily to and from school. As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The weather was becoming frightening and dangerous as the lightning got steadily worse. Being concerned, the child's mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Soon she saw her small child walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One flash of lighting followed another, each time her child stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called and asked, "What are you doing?" Her child answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me." One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good. Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% were bad and 5% were good. God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help keep them going. Do you know what that E-mail said? Oh! You didn't get one either? (Submitted by Pastor Al Hughes) Taxes A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for ... 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
Question? Do you know what would have happened if there had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? Answer: They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?" Answer to Y2K threat "The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart; all of His commands are user-friendly. His directory guides me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my backup. His password protects me. He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies. His help is only a keystroke away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and my file will be merged with His and saved forever." by Rev. Ken Fox, Rochester, New York One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well! How about this? Let's have a man making contest." To which the man replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!" A newly converted hippie was very interestedly reading the Bible while waiting for transportation and every now and then he would exclaim, "Alleluia, Praise the Lord, Amen" and on and on as he read on. A skeptic heard him and came and asked what he was reading. He answered, "I am reading how God parted the Red Sea and let the Israelites go through--that is a miracle!" The skeptic explained, "Do not believe everything the Bible tells you. The truth of the matter is that that body of water was only really 6 inches deep - so it was not miracle." The hippie nodded in disappointment but kept on reading as the skeptic was walking away feeling proud that he had set the hippie straight. All of a sudden the skeptic heard the hippie let out a big "Alleluia, PTL". At this the skeptic came back to him and asked, "What is it this time?" The hippie said excitedly in one breath, "This one is a real miracle, God drowned the whole Egyptian army in 6 inches of water!!!" There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. These two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down by the tree. Out of sight, they started dividing up the nuts. "One for you and one for me." A couple of the nuts rolled towards the fence. A third little boy was cycling down the road. He hear voices and decided to investigate. He heard the "One for you and one for me" comments. He knew immediately what it was. "Oh my goodness, Satan and St. Peter are dividing souls at the cemetery!" He cycled on down the road until he found an old man hobbling along with a cane. He pleaded with the old man to come listen to the voices. The old man shooed him away. "Boy, can't you see I'm having trouble walking as it is now??" But the boy wouldn't let up. So the old man hobbled down to the fence and heard the "one for you and one for me." "Oh my," said the old man, "it IS the Devil and St. Peter divvying up those souls!" He turned to the boy. "Let's see if we can see them!" They edged towards the fence, still unable to see anything, but heard finally, "and one for you and one for me. Now, let's go get those two nuts by the fence and we'll be done." The old man beat the boy to town by fifteen minutes. Jesus and Satan are arguing over who is the best computer programmer.They decide to have a contest with God as the judge. They setup two computers with God looking on. Jesus and Satan both begin typing furiously for hours writing code, etc. All of a sudden, lightening strikes both computers and Jesus and Satan lose all power. Satan stares flabbergasted at his blank computer screen while Jesus looks calmly around. Finally, the two of them power back up their computers and Satan cries out in anguish when he realizes he has lost all his work. He turns to look at Jesus' computer screen and sees that his work has popped right back up on the screen, right where he left off. Satan turns to God and demands to know how it was that Jesus recovered everything, while all his work was lost. God turns to Satan with a wry smile and simply says: "Jesus saves." Thanks A Lot, Lord! A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal time. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." "And does He hear everything we say the rest of the time?" "Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question. "Then which does God believe?" Pearly Gates A minister dies and is waiting in line at
the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,
leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy
replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peters consults
his list. He smiles and says to him, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe
and staff, and it's now the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I
am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint
Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and
wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." In the passage below, see if you can spot the names of 16 books in the Bible. Once I made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts. For others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized. But truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job! We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can see better. See how well you can compete: Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books in the Bible in this little story. (A preacher found 15 books in 20 minutes, but it took him 3 weeks to find the 16th one.) "TWO TRAVELING ANGELS" Two traveling angels stopped to spend the
night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels
stay in the mansion's guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold
basement. As they made their bedroom the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the
wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied....
"Things aren't always what they seem." The next night the pair came to rest at
the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what
little food they had, the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a
good nights' rest. Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way you think they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later. "Things aren't always what they seem." "THE WRONG ADDRESS" Mr. Johnson, a business man from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here." There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business,so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous , so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you? "The lady replied, "Of course I do.It is the Bible. "He said,"Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? "The lady said,"Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. " What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady. Little Jimmy was laying about on a hill out in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God."God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute. "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Jimmy is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "you're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute." |
